TO: All State Field Offices
FROM: Gary Henderson, Director of Optics, Great Lakes Regional Committee
RE: Sinking Plane Campaign Strategy
Following the recent incident in Wausau, Wisconsin, we have updated our campaign guidelines. Every candidate must now plan a sinking plane emergency landing to demonstrate strong leadership. The traditional county fair handshake no longer moves the needle. Our internal polling shows that swimming to safety from a submerged cockpit increases favorability ratings by 42 points.
The Aquatactical Pivot
Candidates will immediately cease all standard bus tours. Instead, please coordinate with local flight instructors for controlled water landings. Candidates should study the Federal Aviation Administration emergency procedures to ensure maximum dramatic effect during the local news broadcast. Do not wear life vests. Life vests project a lack of confidence in one's own buoyancy.
"A candidate who can survive a twin-engine failure in a cold lake can easily handle the state budget," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and senior logistics consultant for the campaign. "Voters want to see a man fight a current. We are currently booking scenic flights over Lake Winnebago for all legislative candidates."
Proper Wet-Suit Attire
Our wardrobe department has issued new guidelines for the wet-suit aesthetic. Candidates must wear their campaign pins directly on their neoprene suits. Do not lose your campaign branded baseball cap during the swim. We require all candidates to keep their hair neat upon breaking the surface of the water.
We must emphasize that this strategy is highly cost-effective compared to television advertisements. A single local rescue operation generates three times the organic social media impressions of a standard billboard campaign.
We expect full compliance with this new aviation policy by Tuesday. Please ensure your campaign life insurance policies are fully paid up. Our budget cannot cover another unplanned dry landing.
