Music
“Jesus Is The Path To Heaven” Promises Heaven Via Album Sales
“Jesus Is The Path To Heaven” announced their new album, promising listeners direct access to paradise, mostly in the form of improved personal organization.
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Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Downtown Boys’ ‘Sirena’ Song Prompts Mass Aquatic Migration
Downtown Boys’ latest track, ‘Sirena,’ is causing an unprecedented literal siren call. Listeners are compelled to seek out water.
Music
Morris Day & The Time Prioritize Nap Time Over Freedom 250 Fallout
Morris Day & The Time pulled out of the Freedom 250 concert series, citing “extensive periods of self-reflection.” This deepens the Freedom 250 fallout for organizers.
Music
Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Citing Exhaustion From Maintaining Coolness
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin concedes election, citing the overwhelming pressure of being “the world’s coolest leader.” Plans include sweatpants.
Music
Roku Home Screen Overhaul Prioritizes Ads Over User Sanity
Roku’s major home screen overhaul officially launched this week. It redesigned the interface to prioritize advertising, making content discovery a challenging new game.
Music
Tony Blair’s Intervention Transforms Labour Debate Into Single, Sustained Hum
Tony Blair’s intervention has transformed the Labour debate. It now resonates as a single, low-frequency hum. Scientists recorded the pervasive, unsettling vibration.
Music
A Perfect Circle Unleashes ‘Starless,’ Fans Prepare For Decades Of Analysis
Initial listening sessions reveal minimal brain activity, optimal for quiet reflection.
Music
Kanye Label Boss Sues To Unmask Anonymous Figure Behind ‘Defamatory’ Websites
Kanye label boss Larry Jackson sues to unmask anonymous figure behind ‘defamatory’ websites. He calls it ‘reputational warfare.’
Music
J.Lo & Pitbull’s ‘On the Floor’ Dances Back Onto Charts Due to Steamy Scene
Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull’s ‘On the Floor’ returns to Billboard charts after a steamy scene in ‘Off Campus’ goes viral.
Music
MacKaye, Rollins Unearth 1977 Cramps Album Produced By Alex Chilton
Ian MacKaye and Henry Rollins are releasing a lost 1977 Cramps album produced by Alex Chilton, a testament to their legendary 1979 concert.
Music
Lockstep Announce Debut Album, Confirm Fans Saw What They Claimed
Nashville’s Lockstep announced their debut album, I Know What I Saw, confirming fans’ paranormal experiences through heavy shoegaze.
Music
Arcángel Announces 2026 Fall US Tour, Fans Prepare for Unprecedented Awesomeness
Arcángel’s 2026 Fall US Tour promises ‘La Octava Maravilla,’ an experience beyond reality.
Music
Tallest Man on Earth Announces Fall Tour, Proving Height Is Relative
The Tallest Man on Earth announces 2026 tour and single ‘Color,’ leaving fans questioning reality and his actual height.
Music
Lorg’s ‘Marathonia’ Is the Song About Going Nowhere, Fast
Lorg’s new single ‘Marathonia’ captures the feeling of going nowhere fast. The indie-pop track is about existential dread and aimless motion.
Music
Couch Slut’s Amy Rose Mills Offers Mildly Unsettling Solo Album
Couch Slut’s Amy Rose Mills is releasing a new solo album, I Think We’ve Met Before, featuring surprisingly gentle sounds. Fans are baffled.
Music
Finland’s PM Lost Due to Unapproved Dance Moves
Finland’s PM lost the election, not on policy, but because her ‘PM’s Dance Moves’ unnerved voters. The public demanded a more static leader.
Music
Rare DM’s Band Practices Are Going Through The Fucking Ceiling
Rare DM’s intense sound is literally causing their rehearsal space’s ceiling to collapse. The band calls it ‘authentic artistry.’
Music
Asake Announces 2026 North American Tour Fueled By Ancient Prophecies
Asake’s 2026 North American Tour dates were revealed through omens, confusing fans. The tour promises cosmic enlightenment.