Music
Massive Fed’s Rate Outlook Shift Blamed On Chair’s Favorite Sandwich
Analysts scramble to adjust models for artisanal deli preferences.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
US-China Trade Talks Bog Down Over Panda Cuteness Metrics
PARIS—The latest round of US-China trade talks stalled over disagreements on how to quantify panda cuteness for diplomatic exchanges, frustrating global economists.
Music
Trump Escapes ‘Escalation Trap’ by Inventing a Bigger, Shinier One
President Trump freed himself from ‘Trump’s escalation trap’ by creating a larger, more complex international predicament. Experts call it ‘meta-escalation.’
Music
Diane Warren Breaks Record For Most Oscar Noms Without A Win, Academy Celebrates
The songwriter’s consistent failure has become a cherished Academy tradition.
Music
Harry Styles Dances His Way to Billboard 200 No. 1
Harry Styles’ new album, ‘Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally.,’ hit No. 1 on the Billboard 200. His dance moves and glittery vibe caused a sequin shortage.
Music
Dolly Parton Returns, Says Las Vegas Residency Was ‘Too Much Excitement’
Dolly Parton returned after health concerns, saying she ‘needed to build myself back up’ due to ‘too much excitement’ and rhinestones.
Music
Bleachers 2026 Tour Openers Include Wednesday, This Is Lorelei, American Football
Bleachers 2026 tour openers announced: Wednesday, This Is Lorelei, American Football. Jack Antonoff curates indie dream lineup.
Music
Washington Post Readers Demand Layoff Reinstatement, Plus Free Sudoku Access
Over 60,000 Washington Post readers canceled subscriptions. They demand rehiring of staff and free Sudoku. Paper scrambles to appease puzzle-starved masses.
Music
Airline CEOs Stunned to Learn Airport Security Officers Aren’t Paid for Work
America’s airline CEOs were reportedly ‘stunned’ to learn their dedicated airport security officers had been working without pay. They urged Congress to address the ‘unforeseen’ issue.
Music
Finland PM’s Loss Linked to Perceived Knitting Inefficiency
Voters reportedly prioritized yarn economy over economic policy.
Music
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin Concedes Everything, Including Her Own Existence
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin conceded defeat Sunday, then continued to concede everything from reindeer reserves to personal anxieties. The nation is oddly refreshed.
Music
Apple’s 50th Anniversary Commemorated with Mandatory Company-Wide ‘Silence Protocol’
Apple’s 50th Anniversary is marked by a new ‘Silence Protocol,’ mandating quiet contemplation for employees to foster ‘unparalleled creativity.’
Music
Beavers Spark Furious British Banknote Backlash
A furious British banknote backlash erupted after the Bank of England announced beavers would replace historical figures on new currency, sparking outrage.
Music
Mandatory ‘Use the Stairs’ Initiative Powers Singapore, Citizens Get Swole
Singapore mandates citizens to ‘use the stairs’ to generate electricity, turning commutes into power sources and bodies into energy farms as oil prices spike globally.
Music
Sparkler’s “Come Today” Offers Existential Dread, Fuzzy Guitars
Sparkler’s new single ‘Come Today’ offers hazy guitars and melancholic vibes. Band claims it’s art, not a cry for help.
Music
CFCF Announces New Album L.U.V., Will Debut New Sound
CFCF announces new album L.U.V., promising a bold new sound. Lead single ‘Let’s Kill Ourselves’ aims to be aggressively optimistic.
Music
Doja Cat Praises Chappell Roan’s Paparazzi ‘Attitude’ as New Etiquette Standard
Doja Cat praises Chappell Roan’s paparazzi ‘attitude,’ declaring it the new standard for polite public interaction, inspiring etiquette experts to rethink millennia of social graces.
Music
Ms. Ray’s ‘Melt’ EP Causes Spontaneous Emotional Desolving
Ms. Ray’s new ‘Melt’ EP is causing listeners to spontaneously dissolve into puddles of emotion. Crying is mandatory. Hydration recommended.