Politics
Judge Reviews Trump’s $1.8 Billion “Anti-Weaponization” Fund
Judge reviews Trump’s $1.8 billion ‘anti-weaponization’ fund, reportedly for luxury goods. Satire.
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Politics
Fictional political satire inspired by real headlines. All quotes and events are entirely made up.
Politics
California Governor’s Race Narrows To Three, Voters Question Basic Math
A new poll for the California Governor’s Race shows three leading candidates, but only two can advance, prompting a statewide review of basic math.
Politics
Finland’s PM Lost Because Voters Prioritized Sauna Quotas
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost the election due to a controversial sauna towel quota policy. Voters prioritized traditional towel usage.
Politics
Trump Files Revised Defamation Lawsuit, Cites ‘Aura Dimming’
Donald Trump’s revised defamation lawsuit against WSJ demands reparations for ‘aura dimming,’ seeking 10 billion ‘good vibes’ for brand recovery.
Politics
Khanna Expresses Disappointment About Massie’s Defeat, Cites Lack of Existential Dread
Rep. Ro Khanna mourned Thomas Massie’s defeat, citing a lack of existential dread. He called it a loss for political despair.
Politics
House Republicans Scrap Vote To Rein In Trump’s War In Iran, Cite ‘Better Ideas’
House Republicans scrap vote to rein in Trump’s war in Iran, prioritizing beige paint and snack options.
Politics
Bluest House Seat Redistricting Sparks Existential Crisis Over Shade
Bluest House Seat Redistricting efforts have plunged local Democrats into an existential crisis, fearing their district might become mere “cerulean” or “indigo.”
Politics
Thomas Massie Unfazed by Cassidy Loss, Offers to Drive Him Home (Eventually)
Thomas Massie unfazed by Bill Cassidy’s defeat in Louisiana, reportedly too engrossed in his artisanal butter churning to notice the shifting political tides.
Politics
UK Announces Open Auditions for Next Prime Minister Amid Leadership Changes
Amid rapid UK leadership changes, Britain announces open auditions for its next Prime Minister, seeking a leader to outlast a houseplant.
Politics
Primaries Yield Four Takeaways: ‘Something Happened’
Political experts decoded the four takeaways from Tuesday’s Primaries, concluding that elections involve ‘events,’ ‘choices,’ and a ‘future.’
Politics
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin Lost Because Voters Focused on Key Issue
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost because voters cared about a key issue: her excessive cheerfulness. The nation wanted a leader who seemed more tired.
Politics
Powell Probe Dropped Over Crumb Scrutiny, Warsh Advanced Anyway
The controversial Jerome Powell probe dropped after investigators found no evidence of ‘malicious crumb-hoarding.’ Kevin Warsh was advanced anyway.
Politics
California Governor Debate Sees Candidates Flail, Trip Over Own Feet
The first California governor’s debate since Eric Swalwell’s exit saw candidates struggle. Flies and tumbleweeds stole the show.
Politics
Bulgarian Election Delivers Decisive Stalemate, Nation Declares Perpetual Vacation
The latest Bulgarian Election has concluded. Voters delivered a decisive message, resulting in a perpetual stalemate and a national “Thinking Holiday.”
Politics
Finland’s PM Lost Election Over Unanswered ‘Baby Shark’ Question
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost the election. Voters were obsessed with the ‘Baby Shark’ song. Her stance on the tune was unclear.
Politics
Judge Halts Race-Based Admissions Data Collection, Protecting Calculators Nationwide
A federal judge halted the Trump administration’s race-based admissions data collection effort, saving colleges from quantifying non-factors and bureaucrats from existential dread.
Politics
Judge Rejects DOJ Bid to Reinstate Powell Subpoenas
Judge rejects DOJ bid to reinstate Powell subpoenas for the Fed. Jerome Powell remains un-subpoenaed, much to the chagrin of prosecutors.
Politics
Judge Halts White House Effort To Collect University Data On Applicants’ Race
Judge halts White House effort to collect university data on applicants’ race. Administration claims it was for fairness, critics say it targeted affirmative action.