TO: All Sony Interactive Marketing Leads
FROM: Corporate Brand Synergies Division
RE: Emergency Protocol for LISA PlayStation Merch Launch
We face an unprecedented operational crisis. The new line of LISA PlayStation merch officially dropped today on Amazon. Early metrics indicate that high-schoolers are buying the branded hardware. Tragically, these consumers intend to use the devices to play video games. We designed these items strictly for display inside clear acrylic cases. They belong on pristine bedroom shelves behind velvet ropes.
Immediate Protocol Adjustments
Our division failed to anticipate this misuse. We expected standard K-pop stans to purchase the limited-edition controllers as investments. Instead, buyers are unwrapping the glossy boxes. They are touching the custom grips with oily thumb fingers. One user on TikTok plugged the controller into an actual console. This blatant disrespect for corporate aesthetics threatens our entire quarterly profit projections.
"We never intended for anyone to press the directional pad," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The custom finish cannot handle real human sweat. It was engineered purely for speculative resale markets."
Mitigation Strategies
Effective immediately, all pending orders for the PlayStation store preorders must include a warning label. The sticker will explicitly forbid inserting game discs into any system paired with this line. We are also deploying remote firmware updates. These updates will disable the hardware if it detects fun.
Please remember our core mission statement. We do not sell interactive entertainment hardware anymore. We sell plastic lifestyle status symbols to teenagers with high-yield savings accounts. Please sign off on the attached non-disclosure agreement regarding our real motive: we just really needed to clear out three warehouses full of unsold unsold matte-black PS5 covers before the fiscal year ends.
