OAKLAND—Oakland hardcore outfit Cell Rot announced their highly anticipated sophomore effort this week. This Cell Rot new album, titled Paradise, has already caused a major spike in local tenant disputes. Neighbors report that the band's blistering speed makes normal apartment living completely impossible. The lead single "Paradise/Parasite II" apparently acts as a sonic wrecking ball for thin drywall.
A Sonic Eviction Notice
The band recorded the two-part project with famed punk producer Jack Shirley. His signature wall-of-noise production style reportedly shook plaster loose from three nearby historic Victorians. Tenants now use the hardcore punk tracks to actively protest rent hikes. They aim their stereo speakers directly at their landlords' leasing offices.
"The sheer velocity of this Cell Rot new album operates as a biological weapon," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Our sensors indicate the bass frequencies alone can void a standard California lease agreement. It is highly efficient music."
The Paradise Parasite Paradox
Vocalist Kyle delivers vocals that sound like a man fighting a garbage disposal. Landlords claim the lyrics directly attack their business model. One local property management firm filed a cease-and-desist order against the band's record label. They claim the song "Paradise/Parasite II" constitutes a psychological hazard for real estate agents.
"We just wanted to write some fast songs about misery," Kyle said in a brief text message. "We did not expect to lower the property value of the entire East Bay in under twelve minutes. But we will take the win."
At press time, local tenants were using the Cell Rot new album to successfully ward off a corporate building inspector by blasting the title track through a megaphone.
