NEW YORK—A federal court convened today to address the copyright fallout surrounding the Chappell Roan Sesame parody, which legal experts claim exposes systemic songwriting theft across the entire children's television industry.
The following is an official transcript from the Southern District of New York, featuring testimony from Elmo and questioning by prosecuting attorney Sarah Jenkins.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: Elmo is Elmo. Elmo sings on Sesame Street.
Q: Let us talk about your new hit, 'Got to Go.' It borrows heavily from the Chappell Roan catalog, does it not?
A: Elmo just wanted to help friends use the potty. Elmo did not mean to infringe on synth-pop publishing rights.
Q: But you did not stop at Chappell Roan, did you? Who helped you clear the samples for the Cookie Monster bridge?
A: The Big Blue Guy in the suit. He said the laws do not apply to puppets. He said we owned the master tapes for everything since 1969.
Q: By 'Big Blue Guy,' do you mean Atlantic Records executives?
A: Elmo is scared. Elmo was told that the music industry is just one giant laundering scheme for public television funding.
Q: So the entire Chappell Roan Sesame parody was funded by offshore shell companies managed by Big Bird?
A: Yes. He keeps the ledgers in his nest. Please do not tell him Elmo talked.
