TO: All Roc Nation Staff
FROM: Executive Board
RE: JAY-Z Halftime Show Announcement
We are thrilled to announce the official performer for Super Bowl LXI. After an exhaustive search, Shawn Carter has selected JAY-Z. The executive committee reviewed dozens of world-class acts. Ultimately, the JAY-Z Halftime Show proved to be the most cost-effective option for the company. Mr. Carter spent months evaluating top-tier talent. He personally interviewed Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus over lunch. He ultimately realized that neither pop star possessed his specific net worth. He then looked in the mirror and offered himself the gig on the spot.
Internal Selection Strategy
Our talent acquisition team praised the bold operational efficiency. "We saved millions on artist booking fees by simply hiring our boss," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Normally, booking a headliner for the NFL championship requires lengthy negotiations. Shawn simply texted himself a thumbs-up emoji. The contract was finalized in four seconds over a glass of Armand de Brignac."
Initial plans for the JAY-Z Halftime Show involve a massive corporate restructure live on stage. The production design will reflect this vision. The stage will feature a functional corner office. Mr. Carter will sign important synergy documents between verse two and verse three of "Empire State of Mind."
Roster Synergy and Logistics
Several external candidates expressed confusion regarding the final decision. "He asked me if I could do a backflip while reviewing quarterly revenue projections," said former candidate Miley Cyrus via her publicist. "I told him no, and he immediately crossed my name off a gold-plated clipboard."
The board confirms that all profits from the event will flow directly back into Roc Nation. We expect maximum synergy across all business verticals. Attendance for non-executive staff is strictly mandatory.
Respectfully submitted,
The Management (Who would like to remind everyone that Mr. Carter's performance fee will be paid directly in equity so he can write off his own talent as a business expense)
