BRIGHTON, UK—English riot-punk duo Lambrini Girls officially announced their Lambrini Girls tour scheduled for the spring of 2027. The band launched the absurdly early ticket sales to give North American fans adequate time to stretch. They also released two new singles, 'The Basement' and 'Split,' from their upcoming record.
Extensive Physical Preparation Required
Promoters insist the three-year lead time is a strict safety precaution. Attendees must build core strength before entering the pit. Venue security will mandate physical fitness tests at the door.
"Our shows feature extreme crowd participation," said Phoebe Lunny, singer and guitarist for the group. "An American audience cannot survive our tempo without a multi-year conditioning regimen. We are saving lives by scheduling this Lambrini Girls tour so far in advance."
Industry Experts Weigh In On Safety
Music executives praised the strategic delay. They noted that modern concertgoers suffer from severe physical atrophy. Most fans spend entire sets recording videos on their phones.
"We ran several computer simulations on North American mosh pits," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The average indie rock fan would collapse within four seconds of 'Split.' This massive delay allows ticket holders to complete a marathon. It also gives them time to draft a legal living will."
Label representatives confirmed that vinyl pre-orders for the new album will ship via standard maritime freight by 2028. At press time, early buyers for the Lambrini Girls tour were already suffering from severe lactic acid buildup just from refreshing the ticket queue.
