MEMORANDUM
TO: All Senior Political Consultants
FROM: Campaign Strategy Directorate
DATE: May 12, 2024
RE: Campaign Attack Ads and Relational Warfare Strategy
We must capitalize on recent political trends. Effective immediately, our media team will buy attack ads featuring the candidate's personal enemies. Focus heavily on immediate family members. We need raw, unedited footage of estranged relatives immediately.
Targeting Strategy
Do not stop at mothers. We need aunts, cousins, and former step-fathers. Ohio voters respond to personal grievances. Our internal polling shows voters love deep family trauma. We must book every bitter relative before the opposition does.
“If a candidate has a cousin who holds a grudge from a 2012 Thanksgiving argument, we want that cousin on camera,” said Brenda Vance, Director of Domestic Aggression Research. “We will pay for their airfare. We will buy them a nice dinner. They just need to trash their nephew on television.”
Budget Allocation
We are shifting four million dollars into negative family airtime. Cut the policy ad budgets. Cancel the ads about the local economy. Research teams must dig through old Christmas card lists. Find the black sheep of every family tree.
“Voters do not care about tax code adjustments,” said Greg Thorne, Chief Strategic Insult Officer at National Campaign Group. “They want a middle school math teacher explaining why the candidate was bad at fractions.”
We must outpace the opposition. Secure the grandmothers by Friday. Ensure they look disappointed on camera. If we run out of actual relatives, hire local theater actors to play disappointed godparents.
