PHILADELPHIA— Doctors revealed Tuesday that They Are Gutting a Body of Water frontman Doug Dulgarian’s recent medical issues stem from excessive fuzz pedal exposure. The Doug Dulgarian cancer diagnosis shocked fans across the noisy indie rock underground this week.
Pedalboard Radiation Warning Issued
Physicians tracked the illness to severe frequency overload. The band recently canceled their upcoming fall tour dates. However, they still plan to play their December shows in New York and Philadelphia.
"We found high trace amounts of extreme reverb in his bloodstream," said Dr. Arthur Pendelton, lead oncologist at Philadelphia General Hospital. "His body simply could not handle that much pitch-bending. The Doug Dulgarian cancer diagnosis serves as a warning to all noise rock musicians."
Fans Offer Unhelpful Remedies
Music historians claim no musician has ever pushed a Microcosm pedal this hard. The medical community recommends immediate acoustic guitar therapy.
"We told him to turn down the gain years ago," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "These kids run four fuzz pedals into a single amplifier. It scrambles the cellular structure. You do not get that kind of health risk from a nice James Taylor record."
Bandmates spent the morning researching the Doug Dulgarian cancer prognosis on obscure Reddit threads. They hope to find a rare cure involving old vacuum tubes. Meanwhile, venue owners are scrambling to buy lead-lined aprons for sound engineers.
At press time, Dulgarian was seen trying to run his hospital heart monitor through a Boss HM-2 Heavy Metal pedal to get a better tone.
