CUPERTINO, CA—The following is an excerpt from testimony in the Superior Court of California regarding a new Apple anti-theft system designed to scan unopened inventory.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I am the Senior Vice President of Inventory Enclosure at Apple Inc.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, can you explain how the new Apple anti-theft system works?
A: Certainly. We created a proprietary wireless scanner. It verifies the internal serial numbers of unopened devices. It prevents return fraud completely. It works without breaking the factory seal.
Q: Is it true that the scanner also locks the retail store from the outside?
A: It secures the perimeter. We consider retail workers part of the broader inventory environment. The system simply designated the entire flagship store as a high-security container.
Q: So the employees are inside the box?
A: They are functionally sealed within the supply chain, yes.
Q: Did you accidentally trap store manager Marcus Vance inside a cardboard shipping crate using this technology?
A: "Trapped" is a competitor's term. Mr. Vance was successfully verified. His internal serial number matched our corporate manifest. We pushed a firmware update directly to his nervous system.
Q: You updated a human being?
A: We eliminated several legacy bugs in his posture. He now charges wirelessly when sitting on the breakroom sofa.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, isn't every tech company using hardware scanning to slowly turn physical retail into a series of sealed containment cells?
A: I cannot speak for Samsung. But yes. The entire consumer electronics industry phased out unboxed human beings in fiscal Q3. It reduces shrink by ninety percent.
Q: Are you currently inside a sealed box, Mr. Pendelton?
A: I am typing this answer from a pristine, shrink-wrapped display carton. I have never felt more secure.
