PHILADELPHIA— A federal district court today unsealed a shocking transcript revealing that the highly anticipated Charli XCX tour is actually a front for a global hyperpop syndicate. Under cross-examination, an industry insider confessed that the tour operates as a high-fashion smuggling ring. The witness admitted the production uses custom-built subwoofers to traffic illegal amounts of lime-green vinyl. The scheme allegedly funded underground raves across three continents.
THE COURT: Counsel may proceed with the witness.
Q: Mr. Flense, you serve as the chief logistics officer for this endeavor, correct?
A: Yes. My official title is Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before at Atlantic Records. But on the road, I managed the Charli XCX tour assets.
Q: And by assets, you mean the musical instruments?
A: No. We do not use instruments. We smuggled 14 tons of industrial-grade latex into Pennsylvania. We hid the contraband inside speaker cabinets. We labeled them as 'creative direction.'
Q: Let the record show the witness is wearing three pairs of Balenciaga sunglasses. Mr. Flense, did the artist Underscores assist in this distribution?
A: The artist Underscores provided the necessary audio frequencies to scramble the border patrol radars. The bass tones literally dissolved the customs paperwork. It was beautiful. It was fashion.
Q: Are you saying the entire music industry operates this way?
A: Every single major tour is a shell company, sir. Taylor Swift controls the global supply of glitter. Coldplay owns the rights to several small European zinc mines. We just wanted to make the girls dance. Is that a crime?
THE COURT: Yes. That is a federal conspiracy charge.
