INDIO, CA—A leaked court transcript from the Department of Justice’s antitrust suit against Goldenvoice has revealed the full headliners for the Coachella 2027 lineup. During cross-examination, live event executives admitted under oath to booking artists years in advance to lock down global supply chains of overpriced dynamic-priced water.
The Cross-Examination
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton. I am the Vice President of Predictive Booking at AEG Presents.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, is it true that your team finalized the Coachella 2027 lineup in the spring of 2024?
A: Yes. We secured SZA, Dua Lipa, and Tame Impala on a binding three-year futures contract. We needed to corner the market on mid-tempo psychedelic pop before the federal government outlawed bass frequencies entirely.
Q: And did you approach other acts for the Coachella 2027 lineup?
A: We offered BTS forty percent equity in the state of California. They turned us down. We asked Rage Against the Machine, but they refused to perform unless we dismantled the VIP beer garden. We couldn't do that. The festival's primary sponsor is a defense contractor that manufactures branded hard seltzers.
A Systemic Conspiracy
Q: So you intentionally inflated ticket prices to subsidize these advance guarantees?
A: It is standard industry procedure. Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, told us that by 2027, live music will account for ninety percent of global GDP. If we didn't book Kevin Parker now, his daily fee would exceed the total budget of the United Nations.
Q: Are you telling this court that three corporations control every festival performance until the next decade?
A: Absolutely. We also bought the exclusive live rights to Tame Impala's laser rig. No other festival can legally emit green light between the months of April and May. We own the light spectrum now.
Q: Your Honor, the witness is openly confessing to a global monopoly over festival headliners.
A: It isn't a monopoly. It is a curated ecosystem of corporate synergy. We already booked the 2032 headliners. It is just three hologram nights of hologram Dua Lipa performing inside a giant branded vape pen.
At press time, the presiding judge sustained the objection and immediately purchased two Tier-3 VIP passes for the Coachella 2027 lineup using the court's credit card.
