WASHINGTON—Federal attorneys filed an emergency appeal Tuesday, demanding a federal judge allow DOJ officials to continue threatening election workers using aggressive finger guns and ominous winks before the midterms. Prosecutors claimed the recent injunction severely limits their constitutional right to intimidate poll volunteers.
Standard Threat Protocols
The Department of Justice defended its actions in court. Officials argued that subtle physical intimidation is a vital tool for federal agents.
"The court order severely restricts our ability to stare intently at poll workers while chewing toothpick slowly," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Deputy Director of the Bureau of Uncomfortable Eye Contact. "If we cannot whisper 'we know where your dog sleeps' under our breath, democracy simply collapses."
Pendelton added that federal agents had already ordered thousands of custom trench coats for the upcoming election cycle.
Alternative Pressure Tactics
Legal experts warned that the ruling could force the government to use even more passive-aggressive methods. The DOJ has reportedly trained 400 new agents to mouth the word "falsehood" from the back of gymnasium auditoriums.
"Our agents need operational flexibility," said Linda Sterling, Chief Strategy Officer at the FBI Division of Vague Menace. "If we cannot threaten election workers directly, we will be forced to send them glitter bombs filled with subpoena dust."
Sterling confirmed that agents are currently practicing their most menacing slow-burn nods in bathroom mirrors nationwide.
At press time, federal agents were seen hovering near a local polling place, aggressively hovering their thumbs over invisible detonators while mouthing "tick-tock."
