ALBANY—The recent release of Coma Regalia – “Guitar And Video Games” (Sunny Day Real Estate Cover) has led to an unprecedented surge in unexpected somnolence. Listeners across North America reported sudden, profound naps. Medical professionals are baffled by the phenomenon. Many remain unconscious for hours, often waking disoriented and humming vaguely familiar emo melodies.
The condition manifests shortly after playback. Victims typically slump forward. Their breathing becomes shallow. Doctors ruled out sedatives or external toxins. The only common factor was the track itself. Its intricate guitar work and melancholic vocals seemed to trigger the unusual response. It quickly became known as “Coma Regalia Syndrome.”
A New Breed of Nap-Inducing Art
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” stated Dr. Melinda P. Zzzzz, lead researcher at the National Institute of Auditory Coma. “Patients don’t just sleep; they enter a profound, dreamless state. They awaken craving obscure b-sides and a glass of warm milk.” She urged extreme caution. “Listen to the original Sunny Day Real Estate album, ‘How It Feels To Be Something On,’ for comparison, but perhaps avoid the cover in public spaces.”
The widespread napping created immediate societal disruption. Concert venues now issue complimentary weighted blankets. Coffee shops across major cities have banned streaming the track. Productivity has plummeted in numerous industries. Entire offices spontaneously nap simultaneously. Insurance companies introduced new “Coma Regalia Clauses” to policies.
Unintentional Sonic Sedation
“It’s surprisingly effective as a sleep aid,” commented Chip ‘The Sleeper’ Slumberg, a self-proclaimed ‘professional music listener’ and host of the popular podcast, “Deep Tracks, Deeper Sleeps.” “I put on Coma Regalia’s rendition of ‘Guitar And Video Games.’ Next thing I knew, it was Tuesday. I had only started it Monday morning.” Slumberg praised the cover’s “hypnotic drone” and “unwavering commitment to lethargy.”
Authorities scrambled for solutions. The Federal Communications Commission considered emergency broadcast warnings. Spotify added a prominent “May Induce Slumber” tag to the track’s listing. Stereogum, the music blog that initially posted the song, issued a public safety announcement. Researchers hoped to isolate the soporific elements. They urgently sought an antidote to the cover’s potent effect.
At press time, a highly anticipated worldwide “Wake-Up-A-Thon” concert was indefinitely postponed. All scheduled performers had fallen asleep during soundcheck.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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