NEW ORLEANS—The Senate Subcommittee on Coastal Integrity convened a hearing Tuesday to investigate the environmental permits granted for the new SpaceX Louisiana spaceport. Under intense questioning, aerospace executives admitted that the proposed facility serves a highly unusual purpose. The project aims to launch cloud storage drives directly into the stratosphere to escape terrestrial tax laws.
The Bayous of Orbit
Q: To your knowledge, does the SpaceX Louisiana spaceport require the destruction of three protected wetlands?
A: We prefer to call it 'extreme liquid cooling.' We are just dipping the rockets in the swamp first.
Q: You mentioned 'data centers' in your initial filings with the Federal Communications Commission. Why must these servers be launched on an orbital rocket?
A: If the data stays on Earth, the IRS can touch it. If the data is moving at Mach 25, it is technically in a transitional tax bracket. The cloud should actually be in the clouds.
Q: Is it true that you hired Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, to value this project?
A: Yes. He told us that swamp gas makes an excellent natural booster. He also said the local alligators could be trained as safety officers.
A Total Disregard for Gravity
Q: How do you plan to retrieve the customer data once the rocket fuel runs out?
A: We do not. We tell the clients their data is 'resting.' If they want to access their photos, they must buy another rocket.
Q: So this entire hundred-billion-dollar facility is just a giant, burning filing cabinet?
A: It is a very fast filing cabinet. And the local crawfish seem to enjoy the heat.
