A federal regulatory transcript made public on Tuesday revealed details regarding a proposed merger between Tesla and SpaceX into a single corporate entity. The following exchange occurred during a Senate antitrust hearing examining the proposed merger between Tesla and SpaceX in Washington, D.C.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the official record.
A: My name is Arthur Vance. I serve as Chief Synergistic Architect for the proposed merger between Tesla and SpaceX.
Q: Mr. Vance, can you explain the practical business logic behind fusing an electric car company with a rocket manufacturer?
A: The goal is total, impenetrable confusion. If we combine rocket fuel with lithium-ion batteries, nobody at the Securities and Exchange Commission will understand our balance sheet. We plan to build a massive, hollow steel sphere that simply rolls across Texas.
Q: A steel sphere? Is that a car or a rocket?
A: Yes. It is both. It operates on sheer momentum and retail investor enthusiasm. When the sphere rolls forward, stock values rise exponentially. If a regulator asks to see our quarterly earnings, we will launch the earnings report into deep space.
Q: Isn't that a clear violation of existing federal securities laws?
A: Laws apply to stationary objects, counsel. The sphere never stops moving. We have already sold three million pre-orders for the sphere to investors who believe it will travel to Mars by next Tuesday.
Q: What happens to current stockholders during this merger between Tesla and SpaceX?
A: Shareholders will receive equity in the sphere. By 2036, everyone will be five times richer or trapped inside the sphere. Ark Investment Management assured us the math is completely sound.
Q: Did you consult any engineers before designing this business structure?
A: Engineers add unnecessary friction to financial innovation. We simply loaded two balance sheets into a blender and pressed start. The resulting liquidity vortex powers the vehicle.
Q: Are you telling this committee that the entire plan relies on total regulatory collapse?
A: At press time, Mr. Vance asked the bailiff if he could interest him in a non-binding deposit on a Cybertruck launch pad.
