TO: All Staff
FROM: Global Prestige Maximization Unit
RE: Accelerating the EGOT tracker for Sabrina Carpenter and Bad Bunny
Team, we must act fast. Both artists just won their first Emmy Awards. Our internal EGOT tracker indicates they are now halfway to the grand slam. We must force-feed them the remaining letters. This memo outlines our phase-two deployment strategy for Oscar and Tony domination.
Phase 1: The Broadway Land Grab
We need a Tony Award by fiscal Q3. We are fast-tracking a jukebox musical. It will mash up the discographies of both artists. The working title is Espresso for My Benito. "We need to abuse the Best Original Score category," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. Bellweather believes a sad acoustic version of "Feather" will secure the theater community's vote.
We will book the Richard Rodgers Theatre immediately. The plot will involve a love triangle between a giant heart-shaped sunglasses emoji and a sad horse. Do not question the narrative. Just buy the tickets.
Phase 2: The Oscar Bait Documentary
For the Academy Award, we will bypass traditional cinema. We are producing a black-and-white documentary. It features Bad Bunny staring at a single piece of toast for eighty minutes. The toast represents the existential dread of modern streaming algorithms. Bad Bunny will compose the silence between the frames.
"The Academy loves when pretty people look miserable," Bellweather added. Our data shows this film will guarantee a Best Documentary Feature nomination. We will update the EGOT tracker weekly. Please direct all creative complaints to the trash bin.
Sincerely,
The Management
Dictated but not read by executive leadership. We only care about the EGOT tracker because our bonuses are tied to Tony Award merchandise sales. Please do not tell the press.
