WASHINGTON—A Senate judiciary subcommittee opened hearings Tuesday to investigate a shadow network of session musicians. The probe began after a whistleblower leaked details regarding the upcoming Eric Slick new album. Prosecutors allege a small cartel of multi-instrumentalists has controlled the indie-rock supply chain since 2011. The hearing quickly devolved into a tense interrogation of a high-profile rhythm section coordinator.
PROSECUTOR: State your name for the record.
WITNESS: Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta.
PROSECUTOR: Mrs. Okonkwo-Bright, how does the Eric Slick new album threaten national security?
WITNESS: It contains too many collaborative nodes. We tracked the percussion frequencies. They bypass standard consumer banking protocols.
PROSECUTOR: Explain how a record titled Bounce House controls inflation.
WITNESS: It is simple. Eric Slick played drums for Taylor Swift. He played with Waxahatchee. He backed up Wilco. Every time he hits a snare, three hedge funds rebalance their portfolios. If he releases another solo record, the algorithms cannot predict the swing.
PROSECUTOR: You are saying his groove is too liquid?
WITNESS: I am saying the entire indie ecosystem is a front. We found Molly Martin and Jamie Lidell in a secure server room. They were modulating vocal frequencies to manipulate lithium futures.
PROSECUTOR: Did the defendant coordinate with other drummers?
WITNESS: Yes. The Dr. Dog network runs deep. They have underground vaults of unreleased shuffle beats. They release the Eric Slick new album to distract the public while they corner the global copper market for cymbal production.
PROSECUTOR: My God. It is a perfect rhythm.
WITNESS: It is a perfect monopoly. And the government is powerless to stop the downbeat.
