WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall today of the upcoming Billie Eilish Bell Jar adaptation after safety inspectors discovered a major design flaw. The product, a feature film directed by Sarah Polley, contains catastrophic levels of existential dread. Government officials warn that the movie lacks proper emotional containment. The Billie Eilish Bell Jar adaptation poses a direct hazard to dry drywall and clean carpets nationwide due to sudden, uncontrollable weeping.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects all digital, physical, and theatrical units of the film. Investigators traced the hazard to a scene where Eilish, playing protagonist Esther Greenwood, stares at a fig tree for forty minutes. "We tested the footage in a controlled lab environment," said Marcus Bellweather, Deputy Director of the Federal Mood Administration. "Within ten seconds, our testing mannequins began texting their exes. By minute three, the entire facility smelled like damp wool and unwashed hair. The Billie Eilish Bell Jar adaptation simply outputs more despair than the average American home can safely vent."
Severe Risk of Dampness
Regulators fear the film will overwhelm municipal sewage systems. The emotional runoff from millions of simultaneous viewings could trigger localized flooding. Additionally, the film features an Oscar-nominated actress playing Mrs. Greenwood. This addition reportedly doubles the guilt density of the audio track. "We are seeing a 94 percent increase in sighing among early test audiences," warned Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "We advise all users to store their smart TVs in watertight plastic bags immediately."
Remedy and Replacement
Consumers must stop viewing promotional trailers immediately. To remedy the issue, the studio will mail a free, corrective digital patch. This patch replaces the film's soundtrack with upbeat brass band music. If you have already viewed clips of the Billie Eilish Bell Jar adaptation, please lie flat on the floor and consume dry saltine crackers. At press time, regulators are urging the public to exchange their movie tickets for a bucket of dry sand.
