WASHINGTON—A trove of leaked text messages reveals Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman went to extreme lengths to avoid performing basic constituent duties for his voters.
1. The Dreaded 'Stuck Hoodie' Emergency
In one exchange, the senator claimed his favorite oversized black hoodie had merged with his neck. He texted staff that he could not attend a local town hall because the garment required a specialized surgical separation. This excuse successfully delayed a meeting with local small business owners for three days.
2. The Ghost of Pennsylvania Past
When asked to meet with a group of retired teachers, the senator claimed his calendar was booked by a spectral entity. "The ghost of a 19th-century coal miner has reserved my entire afternoon," Fetterman texted his chief of staff. He then reportedly spent the afternoon playing video games in his basement office.
3. Lost in a Local Target
According to the logs, Fetterman avoided a critical policy briefing by claiming he got lost in the patio furniture section of a Pittsburgh Target. "The umbrellas have formed a maze," he wrote. Aides later discovered he was actually sitting in his parked car eating a meatball sub.
4. The Rogue Laundry Hamper Incident
Fetterman once canceled a speech to disabled veterans by claiming his laundry hamper had barricaded his bedroom door. "The hamper has achieved sentience," the senator texted. "It demands tribute before it lets me perform my constituent duties." Staff members reportedly bought the excuse without asking any follow-up questions.
5. Sudden Temporary Blindness to Emails
"My screen is emitting a frequency that makes me physically unable to read the word 'pension'," Fetterman told his team during a budget debate. According to The New York Times, this medical anomaly only occurred when the pension requests came from actual retired workers.
6. Pretending to Be His Own Twin Brother, 'Don Fetterman'
In his final and most desperate text, the senator tried to dodge a meeting with a children's hospital. He texted his staff from his own number, claiming to be his identical twin brother, Don. "John cannot perform his constituent duties today because he is currently helping me move a heavy sofa in Ohio," the text read. "Please do not reply to this number, as I am very bad at texting." At press time, Fetterman was seen wearing a fake mustache while hiding behind a potted plant in the Senate rotunda.
