HELSINKI—Newly unsealed court transcripts from the International Court of Auditory Justice reveal that Finland's PM lost her recent reelection bid due to a highly controversial, secret domestic policy. The legal proceedings detail how the former leader systematically banned all minor chords from national radio to boost happiness metrics. The policy backfired, alienating a population that thrives on atmospheric dread. The transcripts expose a coordinated effort to force upbeat pop music upon a deeply melancholic electorate.
The Cross-Examination
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. I served as an advisor to the Finnish ministry.
Q: Mr. Calhoun, did you advise the administration that Finland's PM lost public support because of the tempo of national music?
A: Yes. We told them. You cannot strip minor-key melancholia away from Finns. It is their lifeblood. She tried to replace their beautiful, dark metal with upbeat synth-pop. It was a legislative disaster.
A Pattern of Auditory Suppression
Q: Is it true that your organization, Dads Against Bass, helped enforce this ban on low-end frequencies?
A: We did. But the politicians took it too far. They outlawed the D-minor chord entirely. They made sadness illegal. No sovereign nation can survive on a diet of pure C-major. The entire music industry went along with it just to keep their streaming licenses.
Q: So the music industry was complicit in this cover-up?
A: Absolutely. Every major label signed the non-disclosure agreements. They knew why Finland's PM lost the trust of the people, but they kept pressing happy records. We ruined the national mood by trying to force people to be happy.
At press time, the newly elected coalition government announced plans to restore national sadness by making funeral dirges mandatory during morning commutes.
