TO: All Department Heads
FROM: Gary Vance, Senior VP of Auditory Risk Management
RE: Containment of the Frost Children remix and related assets
Effective immediately, please delete the new digital singles from all company devices. This directive covers the new track 'Unlimited Love' by underscores. It also covers the Frost Children remix of 'The Peace'. Our safety inspectors classified both tracks as 'highly volatile hyperpop hazards' after several interns experienced rapid, uncontrollable eye twitching.
Hazardous Audio Levels Detected
Our risk assessment team analyzed the frequency waves this morning. The glitchy textures in the Frost Children remix triggered our office smoke detectors three times. 'The sheer density of the bass transients warped our server racks,' said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. 'We have not seen audio this dangerously caffeinated since the early days of 100 gecs.'
We must protect our staff from these extreme sonic frequencies. Please instruct your teams to avoid playing 'Unlimited Love' in common areas. The track features a Euro-club beat that causes employees to type at speeds exceeding 400 words per minute. This has already ruined twelve mechanical keyboards in the marketing department.
Sanitization Protocols
'We are doing our best to scrub the frequencies from the breakroom speakers,' said Brenda Clack, Director of Acoustic Custodial Services. 'But the Frost Children remix has bonded to the drywall on a molecular level.' Staff members who accidentally hear the tracks must report to wellness stations for immediate remedial silence.
We are currently replacing our office playlist with gentle, non-threatening acoustic covers of Atlantic Records catalog artists. Thank you for your cooperation in keeping our office quiet and completely devoid of joy.
Sincerely,
Gary Vance
(Sent from my iPhone while hiding in the server room listening to the remix on max volume because it absolutely rips)
