MELBOURNE— The Federal District Court released transcripts today from the ongoing antitrust investigation into independent pop production, centered on the newly announced Katie Dey new album universal will. Prosecution alleged that the bedroom pop icon's dense, emotional soundscapes are actually created by an underground syndicate of international music executives seeking total market domination.
Q: Could you state your full name and occupation for the record?
A: Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Senior Vice President of Emotional Distortions at Warner Music Group.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, we are discussing the recent release of the lead single 'for you' from the upcoming Katie Dey new album. Is it true that your conglomerate secretively funds home-recorded experimental pop to control the sad millennial demographic?
A: Yes. That is correct. We realized back in 2020 that traditional pop star production felt too clean. To capture the hyperpop market, we needed raw, fragmented bedroom recordings. So we built a subterranean studio underneath Melbourne to generate perfection.
Q: So the announcement of universal will on Bandcamp was actually planned in a corporate boardroom?
A: Every single glitch was engineered by our data team. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena, personally approved every vocoder setting. He calculated the exact frequency of internet-induced melancholia required to break the algorithm.
Q: Are you telling this court that the entire indie pop underground is a corporate monopoly?
A: Of course. Do you think people just make beautiful, heart-wrenching art in their bedrooms for fun? It takes millions of dollars in focus group research to sound that genuine and isolated. The whole industry runs on this exact model.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
