TO: All Regional Managers, Interscope Records
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence
RE: Operational Hazards Regarding Slayyyter's "i think he's got a girl"
We must address the extreme disruption caused by the new single Slayyyter dropped today. Employees nationwide are singing Slayyyter's "i think he's got a girl" during mandatory team-building exercises. This behavior has triggered unprecedented levels of interpersonal paranoia in our open-plan offices.
A Threat to Corporate Synergy
Staff members are no longer focusing on their quarterly deliverables. Instead, they are whispering in hallways. They are accusing mid-level managers of hiding secret domestic partners. The viral nature of Slayyyter's "i think he's got a girl" has shattered our company's baseline trust.
"We observed three account executives crying in the breakroom," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "They believed their desk plants were wiretapped. They blamed the high-energy production of the track. The hyperpop beat induces a state of heightened romantic espionage."
Mandatory Quiet Hours
Effective immediately, we are banning all upbeat pop music. Employees must only listen to ambient noise or whale sounds. We need to neutralize the infectious hooks of Slayyyter's "i think he's got a girl" before the Q3 review. Anyone caught humming the chorus will face immediate termination without severance.
Sincerely, Management. (Please delete this email immediately. My wife just saw me typing this and she definitely thinks I have a girl.)
