VANCOUVER— Official court records revealed a Geordie Greep misconduct allegation hearing quickly derailed into an industry-wide reckoning yesterday. The former Black Midi frontman originally appeared to address events from his October 8 solo show. However, the testimony unexpectedly implicated every experimental musician in North America.
Q: Mr. Greep, please address the Geordie Greep misconduct allegation brought regarding the Vancouver performance.
A: I deny the specific charge. But if we are discussing ethical failures, we must examine the entire business model of experimental rock. I personally invented three fake genre names last week to trick local booking agents. Everyone does it.
Q: Sir, stick to the incident in question.
A: The incident was a misunderstanding. I was simply executing a complex 11/8 time signature gesture. But let us discuss the real crime. Major labels actively fund difficult jazz-fusion to depress youth civic engagement. I saw the spreadsheets in London.
Q: Are you alleging a global conspiracy?
A: I am stating facts under oath. Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, personally authorized our usage of polyrhythms. It was designed to confuse streaming algorithms. The entire post-punk revival is a tax shelter for European hedge funds.
Q: Mr. Greep, you are under oath. Is anyone in indie music innocent?
A: Nobody. Every merch table is a money laundering front. Every vinyl delay is manufactured by oil cartels. This Geordie Greep misconduct allegation is merely the tip of an iceberg made entirely of unpaid festival guarantees.
Q: Counsel moves to strike the witness's entire response.
A: Strike it all you want. The math rock community controls the energy grid. We send coded distress signals through distorted vocal pedals every night.
At press time, the presiding judge adjourned the trial after realizing his own teenage garage band was named in a federal antitrust indictment.
