TO: All Hardware and Marketing Staff
FROM: Sundar Pichai, Chief Executive Officer
RE: Defeating Cheaper Android Phones
Team, we have a crisis. Consumers are looking at Android alternatives. We must protect the premium status of the Google Pixel 11. Our data shows that people actually want to save money. This is a direct threat to our ecosystem. We cannot let them buy cheaper Android phones.
The Threat of Affordability
"We designed the Google Pixel 11 to cost as much as a used sedan," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If consumers realize they can buy three cheaper Android phones for the same price, our entire spiritual economy collapses." We must convince them that a lower price tag is actually a sign of poor moral character.
To combat this, we are introducing a new software update. Effective immediately, any Google Pixel 11 that detects a cheaper device nearby will emit a high-pitched whine. This whine will simulate the sound of financial desperation. We believe this will discourage our users from socializing with thriftier individuals.
New Marketing Directives
"We need to make thrift look dangerous," said Brenda Vallow, Executive Director of the Council for Overpriced Microchips. "Our new ad campaign will imply that cheaper Android phones do not even have screens." We must push the narrative that spending less than one thousand dollars on a phone is a federal offense.
Please ensure all retail partners hide any device that costs under nine hundred dollars. If a customer asks for a budget option, security should escort them to the nearest bus stop. We do not need that kind of energy in our stores.
Sincerely,
The Management
(Sent from my iPhone)
