CUPERTINO, CA—A federal courtroom erupted into chaos Tuesday during the antitrust trial against major smartphone manufacturers. The cross-examination focused entirely on the newly released foldable iPhone and its astronomical price tag.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
A: Dr. Arlo Vance. I am the Chief Crease Architect for Apple Inc.
Q: Dr. Vance, consumers are currently paying $2,000 for the new foldable iPhone. Can you explain why the screen makes a loud crunching sound every time a user closes it?
A: The crunch is an intentional feature. We call it tactile ownership feedback. Customers want to hear their money working.
Q: Isn't it true that the metal hinge snaps after exactly 500 folds?
A: It snaps after 504 folds. We are not barbarians. We engineered the foldable iPhone to last through the return window. After that, the internal glass shatters into tiny, proprietary diamonds.
Q: Proprietary diamonds?
A: Yes. You cannot fix them at home. Only an authorized Genius Bar technician can vacuum up the glass shards using our $800 suction tube.
Q: So the device is designed to break?
A: Every foldable iPhone is a clock ticking toward zero. But we are not alone in this strategy. Samsung uses tiny termites in their hinges. Google Pixel screens are held together by dried soup. The whole mobile industry agreed to this in 2019.
Q: You colluded with competitors to sell temporary hardware?
A: We colluded to turn hardware into an expensive monthly subscription to reality. The consumer wants to fold things. We provide the folding action. The eventual snapping action simply encourages them to buy the next generation.
Q: At press time, Dr. Vance was remanded into custody after pulling a prototype foldable iPhone from his jacket pocket and watching it immediately burst into flames.
