TO: All Regional Marine Marketing Coordinators
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Launch of Grumpy The Whale initiatives
We must transition our marketing efforts from human listeners to actual ocean life. The new single by Alex G-adjacent indie rock band Grumpy features D.A. Crimson. It targets a very specific demographic. That demographic is the North Atlantic right whale. We must push the new single Grumpy The Whale directly into the ocean using underwater subwoofers.
Subaquatic Sonic Blasting
Our research shows humans do not buy music anymore. However, marine life possesses massive untapped capital. "We believe the melancholy tones of Grumpy The Whale will soothe depressed mammals," said Dr. Alistair Finch, Chief of Cetacean Playlisting at Sony Music. "We have already deployed acoustic speakers off the coast of Maine. The whales cannot skip the ads because they lack thumbs."
This initiative supports the upcoming Grumpy album Unfindable Ring. We expect the album to perform exceptionally well in deep trenches. Our target is 5 million streams from giant squids by Q4. Do not let the press find out about the sonar nosebleeds.
Targeted Echo-Location Marketing
Marketing teams must rent vessels immediately. You will broadcast Grumpy The Whale on repeat at 140 decibels. If a pod of dolphins beach themselves, please log it as "high engagement."
Ultimately, we just need to boost the Q4 numbers to trigger our executive bonuses before the SEC investigates our underwater shell companies.
