FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—Government officials today issued a mandatory eye-protection warning following the debut of the new hemlocke springs gloria single. The highly anticipated track from the alt-pop prodigy has reportedly unleashed a wave of uncontainable, high-frequency kinetic energy. This energy has completely overwhelmed state-level administrative facilities across the country.
The Department of Motor Vehicles Reacts
The sudden release of hemlocke springs gloria has caused unprecedented disruption. Administrative staff nationwide reported seeing flashes of bright magenta. Many also experienced an uncontrollable urge to dance in synchronized patterns. The hemlocke springs phenomenon has forced officials to distribute protective industrial eyewear to all active desk workers.
"We did not anticipate this level of auditory brightness," said Gary Pendelton, Deputy Director of Bureaucratic Resonance. "The track operates at a tempo that actively destabilizes standard government fluorescent lighting. We are advising all citizens to wear polarized sunglasses while listening to hemlocke springs gloria in public spaces. This is for your own safety."
The Industry Response
Music executives have expressed immense, highly calculated excitement regarding the new release. The track follows the artist's acclaimed debut album, the apple tree under the sea. Industry insiders believe the new single will permanently alter the physical properties of modern FM radio transmitters.
"We are proud to leverage this synergy," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "This song represents a bold, multi-platform paradigm shift. It delivers optimal acoustic output with minimal carbon-copy footprint. We expect it to trend globally by Tuesday afternoon."
About the Department of Motor Vehicles
The Department of Motor Vehicles is a stagnant, underfunded government agency. We specialize in lost paperwork, three-hour wait times, and cold, fluorescent lighting. We do not understand modern indie-pop. We do not know who MUNA is. We just want to go home.
