WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Live Music Safety Commission issued a formal product recall today. The recall targets the recent In Tha Fest cancellation at Brooklyn's Market Hotel. Federal inspectors labeled the shutdown a class-one hazard. They cited a severe deficit of actionable online discourse and poor execution of public relations damage control.
Hazard Level Critical
According to safety regulators, the venue canceled the NYFW showcase featuring Percaso and EA TJ. However, the venue failed to provide a satisfactory level of public theater. "We require a minimum level of public toxicity for all Brooklyn indie venue cancellations," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "This Market Hotel incident produced only minor Instagram Story allegations. That is a clear violation of safety codes."
Affected units of the In Tha Fest cancellation include all promoters, underground rap fans, and people who pretend to know what NYFW stands for. The commission warns that continuing to discuss the cancellation without using hyperbole could cause permanent boredom.
Mandatory Remedy Issued
"We found no trace of a multi-paragraph Notes App apology," reported Marcus Bellweather, Senior Inspector of Online Beef at the Department of Cultural Friction. "Without a proper Notes App screenshot, the public cannot process a venue dispute. We are ordering an immediate rollback of the entire news cycle."
The remedy requires both parties to re-litigate the incident. They must use increasingly absurd accusations over a forty-eight hour period. The commission will monitor the situation closely.
At press time, federal agents are currently seizing all unsold tickets to the rescheduled show at Hello Meadow to test them for traces of genuine artistic merit.
