TO: All Hardware Teams
FROM: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before
RE: Mandated iterative Pixel upgrades for the upcoming fiscal year
We must address the recent internal panic regarding our upcoming smartphone release. Some developers attempted to add revolutionary features to the new device. We strictly forbid this. Our business model relies entirely on incremental, microscopic improvements. You must limit all annual progress to a single-digit percentage.
The Illusion of Innovation
"Our consumer research shows that actual innovation frightens the public," said Flense in the memo. "If we deliver a perfect phone now, they will not buy next year's model." The document details specific limits for the Pixel 11 Pro XL. Engineers must cap the camera speed increase at exactly four percent. Any faster, and the human eye might actually perceive the difference.
We must focus our marketing on artificial intelligence features instead of physical hardware. The new Rambler AI assistant will draft emails that sound slightly more disappointed than before. This is the kind of iterative Pixel upgrades our core audience demands.
Enforcing Strict Mediocrity
"We caught a developer trying to double the battery life," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We demoted him immediately. He now designs charging cables that fray when exposed to oxygen." The memo confirms that mediocrity remains our primary product.
Please ensure the titanium frame looks identical to last year's aluminum frame. If we do our jobs correctly, nobody will know they bought a new phone at all. We must keep selling the same slab of glass forever to fund our space yacht initiatives.
