FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NEW YORK—Thrive Capital announced today that Josh Kushner's fortune has officially reached a valuation of $17 billion. The firm achieved this milestone through a strategic transition into ancient, forbidden alchemy. This move marks a pivot away from traditional venture investing. Instead, the firm will focus on converting raw silicon into pure, unrefined gold.
A New Investment Strategy
"We feel incredibly blessed to unlock this next phase of growth," said Josh Kushner's fortune spokesperson, Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "For years, we invested in tech startups. We realized we could skip the middleman by using standard blood sacrifices. Our new fund targets high-growth portal technology to summon wealth directly from the ether."
The firm's transition follows its highly publicized investments in OpenAI and SpaceX. Analysts confirm these firms actually run on runic magic rather than code. Thrive Capital expects its new wizard-based model to yield high returns for investors. The firm will replace standard investor letters with scrolls written in animal blood.
Unlocking Infinite Synergy
"Our synergy has never been stronger," said Belinda Vance, Director of Arcane Liquidity at Thrive. "Josh Kushner's fortune represents a new era of venture capital. We no longer look at balance sheets. We look at the stars."
About Thrive Capital:
Thrive Capital is a venture capital firm that manages billions of dollars. Most of this wealth exists only on paper and in the fever dreams of tech enthusiasts. The firm owns no actual cash, buildings, or physical assets. If the public stops believing in the magic, the entire fund will instantly dissolve into a pile of dry autumn leaves.
