Business
Wall Street Court Transcript Reveals Brokers panicking Over Stock Market Sell-Off
A court transcript reveals brokers panicking during a stock market sell-off, admitting their trading strategies rely on foam dartboards.
Tagged: New York (26)
Business
Economists Warn AI Bubble Bursting Could Release Billions Of Litres Of Hot Air
Financial analysts warn that a sudden AI bubble collapse could vent billions of litres of pressurized hype into the global economy.
Politics
5 Upstate New York Rallies That Were Actually Just Trapped Noise
Donald Trump hosted an Upstate New York rally in Syracuse, which acoustic experts confirmed was actually just decades of trapped venue echoes.
Business
Starlink Fears Drive Telecom Execs To Communicate Via Tin Cans
Intense Starlink fears force telecom executives to ditch cellular networks and communicate using tin cans tied to long pieces of string.
Business
Global Markets Panic as Stocks Slip Because Nobody Wants Them
Global markets panic as stocks slip because nobody wants them anymore. Experts suggest buying things to make the numbers go up.
Politics
Energy Truce Appointed To Head Of Imagination At Trump Organization
The legendary energy truce joins the Trump Organization to lead the new division of imaginary milestones and vibes-based diplomacy.
Entertainment
Fox News Anchor Maria Bartiromo Fired for Refusing to Unsquint
Fox News fires Maria Bartiromo after the anchor refuses to loosen her signature, hyper-focused squint during live broadcasts.
Business
Major Indexes Rise After Traders Sacrifice Golden Calf to Nvidia
Major indexes rise after Wall Street traders admit to sacrificing livestock to stabilize Nvidia and Dell stock prices in a federal court hearing.
Business
Wall Street Shaky Start Normalized via Mandatory Trading Floor Screaming Matches
Badum Financial Group addresses the shaky start in markets by mandating daily screaming matches on the trading floor.
Politics
Lake America Rebranding Sparks Corporate Unity and Pure Joy
The Department of National Geography announces the successful rollout of the newly branded Lake America to streamline domestic cartography.
Business
Josh Kushner's Fortune Reaches Peak Wealth via Literal Magic
Josh Kushner's fortune hits $17 billion as Thrive Capital abandons tech investing to focus on literal, ancient sorcery.
Music
Sha Ray, DJ Haram Drop 'Critical Thot' Album, Confirm Thotting Is Critical
Sha Ray and DJ Haram’s new album ‘Critical Thot’ is out now. Critics are baffled by its profound analysis of thot culture.
Music
Drake’s ‘ICEMAN’ Holds Billboard 200 No. 1 For Fourth Week
Drake’s ambient ice machine album ‘ICEMAN’ holds Billboard 200 No. 1 for a fourth week, baffling critics and delighting fans.
Music
Critics Award 5 Best Songs Of The Week To Same Five Songs
Critics confirmed the 5 Best Songs Of The Week were the same five songs selected last week. A new record for musical agreement.
Music
Rob Base Is Dead, But His 1988 Hit ‘It Takes Two’ Lives Forever
Rob Base has died, but his hit ‘It Takes Two’ is now immortal, existing independently of the rapper. A new phase for hip-hop.
Music
Rob Base, ‘It Takes Two’ Rapper, Dead at 59; Song Still Holding Up
Rob Base, ‘It Takes Two’ rapper, dead at 59. His 1988 hit song ‘It Takes Two’ was reportedly still in excellent condition.
Music
Kurt Vile Debuts New Song “Every Time I Look At You” On The Adam Friedland Show, Stuns Audience
Kurt Vile debuted his new song “Every Time I Look At You” on The Adam Friedland Show. The ballad about a houseplant stunned the audience.
Music
Strokes’ Valensi Hiatus Blamed on ‘Too Many Chords,’ Replacement Brings Laser-Focused Energy
The Strokes Announce Nick Valensi Hiatus due to his ‘excessive’ chord knowledge. His replacement debuted with more lasers than guitar on Colbert, redefining rock.