BOSTON—A recent Kacey Musgraves Dolly Cover of the classic hit “Here You Come Again” has fractured the Southern Baptist Convention into five distinct, warring factions. The singer performed the tribute during her sold-out arena show in Massachusetts. She also dedicated her song “Rainbow” to the country legend. However, the performance sparked immediate doctrinal disputes online.
1. The Church of the Seventh-Day Key Change
This faction believes Musgraves initiated the key change two bars too early. They demand a return to the strict 1977 RCA Records vocal phrasing. “The tempo was an affront to the original vinyl pressing,” said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. She claims the tempo shift caused a crisis of faith in East Tennessee.
2. The Reformed Chapel of the Rhinestone Vestment
Members of this sect argue that a true Kacey Musgraves Dolly Cover requires a minimum of 40,000 sequins to be canonically valid. They officially excommunicated Musgraves’ stylist over her choice of a pastel jumpsuit. They now pray exclusively to the 1980 film poster of 9 to 5.
3. The Orthodoxy of the Twelve-String Guild
These purists reject the use of a six-string acoustic guitar for the intro. They have begun burning acoustic capos in protest. They believe the extra strings represent the twelve apostles of Dollywood. They refuse to speak to anyone who streamed the performance on YouTube.
4. The First Assembly of the Rainbow Covenant
This group worships the song “Rainbow” as a literal weather event. They spent Sunday morning staring at the sun in Boston Common. They claim Musgraves predicted a regional drop in diesel prices through her vocal runs.
5. The United Holy Order of the Acrylic Nail Click
This final, most militant branch insists that the rhythmic clicking of fake fingernails is the only true pathway to salvation. They have banned all traditional percussion instruments. At press time, they were seen marching toward Nashville to replace all church bells with giant fake eyelashes.