WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a mandatory recall today for all Kanye Chicago guests appearing at the rapper's recent homecoming concert. Federal inspectors identified multiple hazardous materials on stage during the performance. The agency warns that these units pose an immediate threat to public sanity.
Hazardous Material On Stage
The recall affects several high-profile entertainment units. These units include Future, 2 Chainz, and Twista. Investigators discovered that the Twista unit operates at speeds exceeding federal safety limits. "We clocked the Twista unit at 300 syllables per minute," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "That velocity can cause immediate ear drum friction and heat."
The agency launched the probe after several concertgoers reported mild disorientation. The Def Jam manufacturing plant in Chicago produced these specific units. Regulators urge all consumers to stop listening to the Kanye Chicago guests immediately. Do not attempt to repair these rappers yourself.
Affected Units and Remedies
Consumers should return the Kanye Chicago guests to their original streaming platforms for a full refund of their attention. The 2 Chainz unit also showed signs of structural wear. The unit wore three chains. This configuration violates federal weight and measurement standards.
"We want to assure the public we are monitoring the situation," Flense added. "We have quarantined the Future unit in an auto-tune chamber for observation." At press time, federal agents were attempting to track down a rogue Common unit that escaped into a local library.
