REDWOOD CITY, CA—A tense federal courtroom heard shocking testimony yesterday regarding why tech billionaire Larry Ellison cancels plan to sell Oracle stock. The sudden decision halted a scheduled $7.5 billion liquidation. Under oath, financial advisors revealed that the billionaire's investment strategy aligns entirely with personal visual preferences rather than market health. The following transcript excerpt details how the tech mogul manages his vast wealth.
Q: Mr. Ellison, can you explain why you suddenly nixed this multi-billion-dollar sale?
A: Yes. The stock ticker symbol for Oracle is ORCL. I looked at the letters on my monitor. They are very round. The letter 'O' represents completion. It feels very cozy. The letter 'R' has a little leg. It stands strong.
Q: But your advisors warned you of a potential market downturn, correct?
A: They did. But they do not understand shapes. If I sell the Oracle stock, my portfolio loses its red accent color. Red is my power color. I cannot have an all-green spreadsheet. It looks like salad. I hate salad.
Q: Sir, you are testifying that $7.5 billion in capital remains tied up because of a color palette?
A: It is about brand harmony. I also bought the Hawaiian island of Lanai because it is shaped like an avocado. I love avocados. They have a very soothing green interior.
Q: Is it true you once bought Apple stock just because the fruit logo looked delicious?
A: Yes. It looked very crisp. I was disappointed when they did not ship actual apples to my house. But I kept the shares anyway because the gray color matched my yacht.
Q: Mr. Ellison, are you aware that this is not how standard global finance operates?
A: The entire stock market is just a mood board for old men. We just trade colored blocks. If the block looks pretty, we keep it. If the block is ugly, we sell it to the pension funds.
