TO: All Regional Directors, Theater Operations, and Audience Mobilization Staff
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Mandatory Emotional Resonance Protocol for George Michael and The Faith Tour Concert Film
Team, we must maximize the theatrical release of this archival masterpiece. The new film compiles unreleased footage from the legendary 1988 Paris shows. However, modern audiences lack the stamina for pure, unadulterated pop majesty. We must physically force them to feel the music. This memo outlines your mandatory operational procedures for screening The Faith Tour Concert Film starting next month.
Phase One: Tears on Demand
Every theater manager must assign three undercover staff members per screen. These plants will initiate weeping during the intro of 'Father Figure.' We need real tears, people. Do not use the onion spray. Our audience can smell the onions. We require genuine, existential despair. "We expect at least forty percent of the audience to be openly weeping by the third chorus," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "If they are not crying, we are not doing our jobs as corporate custodians of legacy art."
We have also partnered with theater chains to adjust the air conditioning. We will pump cold draft air directly at the eyes of patrons. Dry eyes look like crying eyes on security cameras. This will boost our emotional engagement metrics for The Faith Tour Concert Film.
Phase Two: Leather Jacket Dress Code
All concessions staff must wear replica leather jackets with "FAITH" written on the back. These jackets must be squeaky. The constant squeaking of leather will subliminally remind patrons of 1988. If a guest refuses to wear the replica aviator sunglasses, deny them butter on their popcorn. We must maintain the aesthetic integrity of the era at all costs.
CONFIDENTIAL MOTIVE: Let us be entirely honest. We bought thirty thousand surplus leather jackets from a bankrupt warehouse. If we do not sell these jackets during the screenings of The Faith Tour Concert Film, the board will liquidate our department. Do not let them send us back to ticketing operations. Start crying now.
Sincerely,
Agnes Periwinkle
