TO: All Staff, Columbia Records Global
FROM: Gary Vance, Executive VP of Mandatory Hype
DATE: February 21, 2025
RE: Lil Nas X Returns with new single "World's Greatest!" and mandatory listening protocols
As you know, Columbia Records recently launched the campaign for our flagship artist. Now that Lil Nas X Returns to the airwaves, we must project total, unyielding confidence. All personnel must refer to the artist as the undisputed champion of the universe in all internal and external communication. This policy is non-negotiable.
The Compliance Protocol
Our analytics team fast-tracked this release to ensure maximum market saturation. "We need total cultural submission by Friday," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "When Lil Nas X Returns, the algorithm demands that we cease all other human thoughts. Anyone caught streaming other pop artists during work hours will face immediate HR mediation."
Furthermore, the legal department has drafted a waiver for all regional office managers. You must sign this document to acknowledge the track as a flawless masterpiece. The song marks a bold new chapter after his recent legal battles, and we must treat it as a historical milestone on par with the moon landing.
Required Listening Sessions
Starting tomorrow, we will broadcast "World's Greatest!" over the office PA system on a continuous loop. "This is a standard healing exercise," noted Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Repetition breeds compliance, and compliance breeds record-breaking streaming numbers."
Please note that any staff member found crying in the breakroom during the eighth consecutive playback of the song will have their keycard access revoked. We must maintain a positive, high-energy environment for the brand.
Ultimately, we need this single to go platinum by next Tuesday because the executive board accidentally spent the entire quarterly marketing budget on a giant, gold-plated statue of the artist's horse.
