TO: All Global A&R Executives
FROM: Corporate Synergy Division
DATE: October 24, 2026
RE: Emergency Deployment of the Maria Maria remix Protocol
Effective immediately, all radio networks must deploy the new Maria Maria remix collaboration featuring Carlos Santana and Wyclef Jean. Focus groups confirm listeners over age 30 are losing their youth. Our projections show that Latin-infused guitar riffs from 1999 delay memory loss. We must act now.
Phase 1: Harmonic Redistribution
Audio engineers will strip all modern drums from current pop tracks. They will replace those beats with Santana’s signature pitch-bent guitar notes. Every track requires at least three distinct vocal ad-libs from Wyclef Jean. "We ran the numbers on mid-tempo Y2K hits," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The economic grid collapses without quarterly latin-pop nostalgia bursts."
Streaming algorithms will insert the Maria Maria remix into every user queue automatically. The track will override individual skip attempts. Do not allow users to select their own music this week. Standard streaming payouts will apply, minus a 90% legacy maintenance fee.
Phase 2: Mandatory Sampling Directives
All signed producers must sample this track by Friday. We need at least four derivative singles on Spotify before next month. Follow the historical blueprint of 'Wild Thoughts' closely. Keep the drum pattern identical. Simply add a new guest verse from a trending teenager.
Failure to comply will result in immediate reassignment to children's entertainment divisions. We must force this legacy track back onto the charts to cover up our massive losses in the metaverse music venture. End of memo.
