WASHINGTON—The Department of the Interior launched an inquiry into the heavy metal band Mastodon after they announced a new record. The limited edition of Marrow Deep contains actual pre-historic remains. Prosecutors allege the band violated federal antiquities laws. The following transcript excerpt from the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia details the testimony of Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena.
Q: Dr. Mbeki-Ransome, please describe the physical makeup of this record.
A: Yes. The band pressed the Mastodon fossil vinyl using actual bone dust. They ground down a bag of fossilized mastodon teeth.
Q: And is this a standard practice in the modern music industry?
A: Absolutely not. Though the industry has depleted all normal resources. We ran out of gimmick ideas in 2022. First, we did blood. Then, we did liquid-filled vinyl. Now, we must raid the museums.
Q: So you are saying other artists are excavating Pleistocene epoch sites for merchandising?
A: Indeed. I have seen the invoices. Jack White recently bought a woolly mammoth tusk. He plans to melt it into a seven-inch single.
Q: Is the consumer safe from these prehistoric materials?
A: No. The Mastodon fossil vinyl emits a faint, ancient musk when played. It attracts sabertooth tigers to the turntable. My turntable is currently surrounded by ancient predators.
Q: Who authorized the destruction of these protected fossils for a sludge metal record?
A: The label executives demanded it. They told us that the youth crave 'organic texture.' They wanted the heaviest vinyl possible. You cannot get heavier than a four-ton extinct mammal.
Q: Thank you, Doctor. We will enter the bone dust into evidence.
