WASHINGTON—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the Metallica Las Vegas monster, a 300-foot-tall physical manifestation of ancient dread spawned during the band's opening night at the Las Vegas Sphere. The agency warns that the product, originally marketed as an immersive 3D visual for the song 'The Call of Ktulu,' has breached the digital barrier. It is currently roaming the Nevada desert looking for souls.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects approximately 17,500 concertgoers who attended the residency debut. Regulators classify the hazard as an 'uncontrolled cosmic entity deployment.' During the guitar solo, the band's spatial audio frequencies aligned with the Sphere's haptic seats. This alignment tore a hole in the space-time continuum. The Metallica Las Vegas monster transitioned from a high-definition rendering into a physical, slime-covered deity.
"We designed the visual to be realistic, but we did not intend to summon a true devourer of worlds," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The band played too fast. The tempo of 'Master of Puppets' acted as an ancient Sumerian portal activation code. We advise all residents near Paradise, Nevada, to avoid making eye contact with the sky."
Remedy and Action Required
Consumers must immediately cease looking at the sky and seek shelter. The manufacturer, Sphere Entertainment Co., has not yet figured out how to suck the Metallica Las Vegas monster back into the 16K resolution LED screen. Affected units should report any sudden urges to worship cephalopods to federal authorities.
"Our current remedy is to have Lars Ulrich play a series of very quiet jazz tempos to soothe the beast," said Marcus Bellweather, Sphere's Senior VP of Holographic Containment. "If that fails, we will try to lure the Metallica Las Vegas monster back into the screen using a giant bucket of digital chum."
At press time, the Consumer Product Safety Commission has upgraded the hazard level to 'apocalyptic' after the monster began humping the Luxor Hotel pyramid.
