JEFFERSON CITY—The Consumer Product Safety Commission, in coordination with federal courts, issued an urgent recall notice today for the Missouri 2022 congressional map after reports of severe constitutional choking hazards.
Regulators determined the boundaries of the 2022 congressional map contain jagged, unnatural edges. These sharp lines can easily break off during high-stakes elections. The recall specifically targets all print and digital versions of the Missouri congressional districts manufactured during the late-night gerrymandering sessions of 2022.
Severe Risk Of Airway Obstruction
"We found that the jagged boundaries of the 2022 congressional map do not fit down the throat of a standard representative democracy," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "If a voter or local official attempts to digest these districts, they risk immediate political asphyxiation. We urge all Missourians to immediately stop using this map."
The hazard came to light after the Supreme Court of the United States rejected a Trump-backed replacement. This rejection forced state officials to attempt a manual re-insertion of the old, jagged lines. State election directors reported that the old map began crumbling into sharp, plastic-like shards upon contact with local ballot boxes.
Remedy and Replacement Instructions
"Consumers should immediately confiscate the 2022 congressional map from their local registrar," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation. "We are offering a free replacement map. This new model features smooth, pre-approved, non-toxic boundaries that are entirely safe for toddlers and moderate centrist voters."
State officials who defy this recall notice face immediate contempt citations. Regulators warn that keeping the defective map in circulation could result in spontaneous, localized outbreaks of partisan screaming.
At press time, state election officials were seen attempting to smooth out the jagged edges of the recalled map by chewing on them.
