MEMORANDUM
TO: All Regional Experience Managers
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Containment of the MUTEK Montreal magic epidemic
We must address a dangerous trend. Recent reports show that MUTEK Montreal made attendees feel too good. This extreme level of civic satisfaction directly threatens our business model. People who feel genuinely fulfilled do not buy nine-dollar bottles of lukewarm water. They do not purchase VIP parking passes to escape their own lives. We must neutralize this positive emotional state immediately.
The Danger of Electronic Euphoria
Our field agents spent a week at the digital creativity festival. They documented alarming levels of communal joy. Attendees smiled without a corporate sponsor prompting them. "The sheer density of artistic integrity was deeply disturbing," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "People were listening to ambient techno and feeling at peace with their mortality. If this MUTEK Montreal magic spreads to our mainstream venues, our concession sales will plummet by forty percent."
We must combat this threat. We will deploy tactical annoyance squads to Montreal. These teams will artificially inflate ticket processing fees. They will also introduce long bathroom lines to restore baseline human misery.
Mandatory Buzzkill Protocols
Effective immediately, all local affiliates must implement the following counter-measures. You must mix dirt into the artisanal poutine. You must reprogram the synthesizers to play car alarm sounds. We cannot let the world-class electronic lineup convince residents that life is worth living. Our stock price relies on moderate public despair.
Please ensure your staff wears the mandatory frowny-face pins during the next festival cycle. We must keep the public docile, sober, and slightly damp. Thank you for your cooperation in keeping Canada appropriately miserable.
