LONDON— The latest single from indie rock quartet Modern Woman, titled “Neptune Girl,” has prompted a series of unexpected maritime incidents. Released last month, the track reportedly caused listeners to develop inexplicable aquatic traits. Reports poured in from coastal cities and landlocked regions alike. Fans described an overwhelming urge to submerge themselves in water.
Unforeseen Oceanic Effects
Music enthusiasts reported peculiar physical changes. Gills appeared behind ears. Skin developed a translucent, scaly sheen. Many developed an unusual affinity for raw seafood. One fan, Patricia Jenkins, 47, a self-proclaimed “deep-sea enthusiast” from Bristol, found herself unable to leave her bathtub. “I just wanted to hear ‘Neptune Girl’ one more time,” Jenkins stated from her waterlogged living room. “Now I prefer plankton to pasta. My landlord is furious about the water bill, but what can I do?” Jenkins’ home is reportedly now a protected marine habitat.
The band, known for their pensive sound, expressed surprise. Their previous single, “Dashboard Mary,” caused no such issues. That track only led to a slight increase in dashboard ornament sales. The new song, however, has proven significantly more immersive. Scientists at the Royal Institute for Acoustical Anomalies remain baffled. They have advised against listening to “Neptune Girl” near large bodies of water. Or even small puddles. Some listeners reported needing to Google basic aquatic survival tips. The song is still available for streaming, despite the warnings.
Band Denies Intentional Siren Song
Modern Woman’s lead singer, Pearl Lovegrove, 31, refuted claims of deliberate enchantment. “We just wanted a track that evoked a feeling of growing up by the sea,” Lovegrove explained. “We never intended to literally transform our fanbase into merpeople.” The band’s label, Atlantis Records, issued a statement. They apologized for any “unforeseen gill-related inconveniences.” They also offered free waterproof headphones for future releases. The band’s official Bandcamp page shows no indication of aquatic merchandise.
Emergency services have been overwhelmed. Calls range from “my neighbor grew a fin” to “my cat is now a shark.” The British Coastguard issued a rare inland advisory. It warned citizens to avoid prolonged exposure to the track. They also recommended carrying a towel and a good pair of waders. The phenomenon appears to be irreversible for some.
At press time, an entire commuter train reportedly diverted itself into the Thames after its passengers began humming the chorus to “Neptune Girl.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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