WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent nationwide recall today for the 1996 single Oasis: Don’t Look Back In Anger after reports of severe sibling discord.
The Hazard
According to federal inspectors, any playback of Oasis: Don’t Look Back In Anger creates an unstable acoustic field. This field causes brothers within a five-mile radius to immediately throw tambourines at each other. "We observed a 400 percent spike in fraternal hostility during testing," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The track bypasses normal human patience. It forces immediate, legally actionable insults." Authorities linked the classic track to over 14,000 cases of sudden parkas-only brawling.
Affected Units
This recall affects all physical and digital formats of Oasis: Don’t Look Back In Anger. This includes original CD singles, vinyl pressings, cassette tapes, and all major streaming algorithms. Regulators warn that even humming the chorus near a blood relative can trigger a sudden 15-year hiatus. The hazard increases significantly if either brother possesses a bowl cut or a heavy Manchester accent.
Remedy and Action
Consumers must immediately cease listening to the song. "We advise families to mute their speakers during the piano intro," said Dr. Janice Miller, chief acoustics investigator for the CPSC. "Do not look back in anger, or in any other direction, until the song stops." The agency advises replacing the track with a safer alternative, such as a solo acoustic track by Noel Gallagher, which researchers found causes only mild, harmless boredom. At press time, federal agents confirmed they had successfully quarantined Liam Gallagher in a soundproof chamber for public safety.
