LOS ANGELES—A federal antitrust hearing took a bizarre turn on Tuesday as lawyers grilled media executives regarding the upcoming Olivia Rodrigo festival broadcast. The litigation centers on the pop star's highly anticipated Daisy Chain Fields Festival. Under oath, industry insiders revealed how iHeartRadio secured exclusive rights to the event. The broadcast allegedly serves as a front for a massive, monopolistic corporate land grab. Prosecutors claim the media giant plans to patent the concept of friendship itself.
THE COURT: Counsel may proceed with the cross-examination of the witness.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: My name is Gordon Flense. I am the Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before.
Q: Mr. Flense, let us discuss the iHeartRadio promotional strategy. Why must the artist guest host a radio show exactly twenty-four hours before the event?
A: It is standard protocol. We use her voice to emit a low-frequency hum. This hum compels teenagers to buy overpriced, branded floral crowns. It prepares them for the physical daisy chain formation.
Q: And this Olivia Rodrigo festival broadcast is not just a standard concert stream?
A: Heavens, no. No one cares about the audio. We are broadcasting the biometric data of sixty thousand sobbing teenagers. We sell that data directly to facial tissue manufacturers.
Q: So the entire festival is a data-harvesting scheme disguised as indie-pop empowerment?
A: Yes. We also plan to trademark the chord progression of Drivers License. Anyone who cries in a vehicle will owe us four cents.
Q: Is it true that iHeartRadio executives physically constructed the stage out of unsold Katy Perry CDs?
A: I cannot confirm that. However, I can confirm that the grass at the venue is actually shredded concert tickets from cancelled 2022 stadium tours.
Q: Mr. Flense, does your company intend to monopolize the entire live music experience through this Olivia Rodrigo festival broadcast?
A: Monopolize is a harsh word. We prefer the term 'mandatory musical custody.' We just want to own the air they breathe while they listen to teenage angst.
THE COURT: The witness is dismissed. Please stop humming into the microphone.
