Music
Trump Disapproval Reaches New High, Shifting Earth’s Axis
A new poll found Trump disapproval reaches new high, causing a planetary wobble. Scientists linked the sentiment to geological shifts and random traffic light cycles.
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Music
Olivia Rodrigo’s SNL Debut With Weyes Blood Causes Minor Temporal Rift
Olivia Rodrigo’s hosting debut on SNL with Weyes Blood accidentally created a minor temporal rift, causing mild irritation and vague forgetfulness nationwide.
Music
Marc Anthony Transforms Golf Course Into High-Stakes Salsa Show
Marc Anthony’s golf event turned into a Latin music fiesta, complete with impromptu performances and salsa-infused swings.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo’s Unraveled Tour Promises Existential Dread
Olivia Rodrigo’s Unraveled Tour will bring emotional devastation and expensive merch to fans across the globe. Prepare to cry.
Music
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin Concedes Election To Her Own Reflection
Mirror fails to offer a concession speech, demands recount
Technology
Motorola Razr Ultra 2026 Battery Tech Promises Infinite Scroll
The Motorola Razr Ultra 2026 features a revolutionary battery that never dies, drawing power from user anxiety. Infinite scroll awaits.
Music
Little Simz Dropping New EP Next Week, Fans Beg For A Moment’s Silence
Little Simz is dropping a new EP next week, causing widespread fan exhaustion. Listeners pleaded for a break amidst her prolific output.
Music
Madeon Drops ‘Victory’ Album, Promises Emotional Catharsis Via Slayyyter
Madeon’s new album ‘Victory’ drops with Slayyyter collab. Fans are experiencing catharsis and planning spontaneous trips.
Music
Helado Negro’s ‘Dance To The Music’ Cover Causes Mass Sedation
Helado Negro’s ‘Dance To The Music’ cover inexplicably began putting listeners to sleep. Authorities are baffled by the track’s potent sedative qualities.
Music
Meg Stalter Album Crave Sparks Nationwide Desire for Unearned Self-Confidence
Critics unanimously agree: America was already pretty enough.
Music
AI Declares This Week’s ‘The 5 Best Songs Of The Week’ Based Solely On Humidity Levels
The music industry’s highly anticipated ‘The 5 Best Songs Of The Week’ list has a new curator: an AI. The algorithm judges songs based on humidity and barometric pressure.
Music
Junior Varsity’s New EP Is Ready, Band Baffled By Its Own Timeliness
Alt-pop duo Junior Varsity has announced their new EP is “Ready,” leaving industry insiders baffled by the unexpected completion of a project.
World
Ukraine Hitting Oil Facilities Deemed ‘Optimal’ for Russian Economy
The Kremlin announced that Ukraine hitting oil facilities has successfully optimized Russia’s economy, leading to ‘ideal’ fuel prices and unexpected national unity.
Music
The Villages Security Bolstered by New ‘Elder-Watch’ Program
The Villages security tightens its grip with the new “Elder-Watch” program, deputizing seniors to enforce quiet and identify anyone under 65 or suspiciously active.
Music
Southern States Discover Infinite Loophole to Add Republican House Seats
Southern states have reportedly discovered an arcane constitutional provision allowing them to simply *add* Republican House seats, baffling experts.
Music
Madonna, Sabrina Carpenter Collaboration Causes Global Love Surplus
The new Madonna and Sabrina Carpenter collaboration, “Bring Your Love,” has unleashed an uncontrollable wave of politeness and affection, threatening global productivity.
Music
Post Malone Album Delay Blamed on Unfinished Doodle
The highly anticipated ‘Big Ass Stadium Tour’ faces an indefinite Post Malone album delay, as the artist reportedly grapples with an artistic crisis involving a coloring book.
Music
Rostam Cancels Shows Over Absurd Logistical Issues
Rostam Cancels Shows again, citing logistical issues that include specific butter temperatures, antique doll housing, and a ferret’s organic kale demands.