PRODUCT RECALL NOTICE: GLEN HANSARD POGUES COVER
HAZARD: The Consumer Cultural Safety Commission issued a urgent recall for the newly released Glen Hansard Pogues cover. Federal regulators determined the audio track poses an extreme emotional hazard to listeners. The recording features Hansard performing the song 'Smoke in a Bottle' to honor the late Shane MacGowan. Exposure to the recording creates an immediate risk of acute, overwhelming grief. Affected listeners report spontaneous sobbing, excessive pint-clutching, and sudden urges to text an ex-lover from 2008.
AFFECTED UNITS AND DISTRIBUTION
This recall applies to all digital streams and vinyl pressings of the Glen Hansard Pogues cover. The track serves as the lead single for an upcoming MacGowan tribute album. The project also features high-hazard recordings by Bruce Springsteen and U2. Approximately 4.2 million audio streams are currently affected worldwide. The agency advises all citizens to cease listening immediately.
"The emotional payload of this Glen Hansard Pogues cover exceeds federal safety limits," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Our tests showed a 400 percent spike in structural tavern damage. Men over forty are simply collapsing into their stout foam."
REMEDY AND COMPENSATORY ACTION
Consumers must immediately delete the Glen Hansard Pogues cover from all digital libraries. Spotify and Apple Music will automatically replace the track with a neutral white-noise audio file. Affected consumers can request a free mitigation kit from the government. The kit includes two dry hand towels and a non-emotional podcast recording.
"We tried to contain the melancholy using standard industrial dampening filters," said Marcus Bellweather, Chief Acoustic Hazard Auditor at the Department of Audio Safety. "The raw Irish sorrow punched right through our foam insulation."
Consumers should contact the agency helpline before playing the track near open flames or fragile glassware. At press time, inspectors quarantined a Springsteen cover after it caused three local mechanics to silently stare at the horizon for six consecutive hours.
